Convenient Confusion Over Kennewick Man Resolved (at last)

Jun 19, 2015

Confusion over who the Kennewick Man is “most likely” related to has finally been resolved this month, after DNA testing finally proved the obvious: He’s a Native American. 

Since 1996, grave-robbing archeologists have been holding the 8500-year-old skeleton hostage from his descendants, frivolously arguing that he “didn’t look like” the tribe that was demanding their ancestor be returned for re-internment.

The uniquely well-preserved Mr. Kennewick was sacrilegiously unearthed by the Army Corps of Engineers from his burial site beside the Columbia River in Kennewick Washington -- thus the fuss, and his rather uninspired moniker.

But, ever since that valuable discovery was made, possessive researchers have pitted themselves against the Confederated Tribes of the Colville Reservation, in a bitter legal dispute over who has rights to the body of the ancient hunter.

In fact, in an effort to further obfuscate the matter and drag out the inevitable, scientists ludicrously insisted the paleoamerican was of Polynesian descent instead, assigning him origins which reached across a massive ocean all the way to Japan.

This week, however, an international group of geneticists has ruled in favor of the Kennewick Man’s actual descendants, stating unequivocally that his "closest living relatives are Native Americans."

For the purpose of clarity then -- and in that esteemed team’s own words and phrases -- this means "the Kennewick Man is more closely related to Native Americans than any other population worldwide.”

It’s still unclear, though, as to when or if he’ll ever be reunited with his family.

@EponymousRox

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